Sunday, March 3, 2013

Mid-Life Crisis Decision Trees

Since (ahem) 40 is (ahem) just around the corner. I believe it is a natural place for a mid-life crisis. After a lot of thought and reflection, I think I will have one. So grab a drink, sit back, relax, and enjoy the accident that is about to happen before your eyes. I'm hoping an approprite audience might inject my experience with a little extra vigor.

After consulting with various experts in the field, I have found that the whole issue is really quite complicated. So many decisions! In fact, I thought a mid-life crisis was pretty much a decision-free experience. A lot of consequences, perhaps, but overall a joyride that makes it totally worth it.

Come to find out I'm wrong (again). I have to decide were my priorities lie. For example, do I want a tattoo or plastic surgery? If a tattoo, where and what? If plastic surgery, what and how big? Not only that, but if I opt for a tattoo (which is the direction I'm leaning in today), then I have to go in to it with the understanding that plastic surgery may be a natural consequence. See what I mean? Decisions. Decisions.

My advisers categorize mid-life escapades in the following ways: appearance, material objects, relationships, professional, social, and risk taking. Choosing one type of crisis may lead to another type of crisis and so on. Crisis interact with each other in a variety of ways, not all of them pleasant. For example, one could have a material objects and appearance crisis which could land you with a hefty car payment and bigger boobs. A secondary outcome of this type of crisis could be social and relationship crises. So you see, one has to think very carefully about the type of crisis one is willing to have. One false step and it could be a completely uncomfortable and unsatisfactory experience.

Under the auspices of doing it right, I'm going to break down my options and consider which path would work best for me.


Frankly, this is a good possibility. A little stomach stapling here. Some lipo there. Perhaps some total body lifting here and there and there as well. Not only that, but I've had a fantasy in which I get a really cool tattoo in a really cool place for about ten years now. I just can't figure out what and where.

Doing this right, though, might boost the chances of a good social crisis. The potential is nearly limitless. Costly though. That is something to consider.

Material Objects

My car is eight years old. I could use a new one. I already know which one I would like to get, but it doesn't really qualify me for a "material objects" crisis. Eh. Don't really want a car payment. I think I would rather travel (by means other than by car, that is.) I also don't think I have the energy to keep up with the Joneses of a car-based mid-life crisis. Too much cleaning and such (and, if you read my last blog, we all know how much I love cleaning! I'm good at it, too. Ha!).

I could start an expensive collection of vintage Levis, garden gnomes, obstetrical equipment, porcelin shoes, or silver left-handed egg beaters. I'm not a good collector though. I get distracted. And, as much as I love a nice piece of art deco jewelry, I don't really care enough about any one thing to get all excited about my next blog post about my most recent acquisition. The conventions alone would probably kill me and this is intended to be a mid-life crisis, not an end-of-life crisis.


This one is so dreary. I'm not really up for all the work involved in a relationship crisis. My life is already jam packed with drama....this just doesn't interest me at all. In fact, just thinking about a relationship crisis makes me want to give up on the whole mid-life crisis idea all together.


I'm in full swing on this one already. Gone back to school more times that I can count. I'm nearly qualified in equally as many fields, but still haven't really found the dream job. I do have my eye on a book deal, so I might be able to work on this crisis without too much collateral damage.

I would also like to pick-up a nice career in something exclusively lucrative that requires very little work. I hate to be inconvenienced by professional responsibilities. It really cuts in to my personal time. That is no good. Unless a professional crisis can make me famous or help my social crisis (see below), it's probably not something to focus on right now.


With two kids, two dogs, and a husband, I'm just too tired to do much about my social life, but it could use some tweaking. Perhaps this could be a secondary crisis to an appearance crisis. That might be fun. Facebook is a nice social perk, but it doesn't completely stand in for face-to-face bonding. Need to give this one some serious thought. Perhaps I could take a class or join a club or....blach! Boring myself already!

Risk Taking

This is actually an area in which I could gain a lot of personal growth. I have a rebellious mind, but a compliant spirit. A little hell fire would do me some good. Perhaps this would make a nice secondary crisis. Start with something safer (choosing a nice garden gnome) and build up to something more...spirited (naked fly-fishing perhaps).

And the winner is...

When all is said and done, it looks like I'm orienting myself on an appearance crisis with professional undertones and dual secondary crises of a social and risk taking nature. Having said that, I'm game for pretty much anything, so please feel free to send me your suggestions. Stand by for the fun to begin!

No comments:

Post a Comment