Sunday, May 5, 2013

Ghost Post: Marriage

Ladies and Gentlemen, another ghost post. That's two, my friends! Keep 'em coming!
Things have been a bit tense on the marriage front recently, so I was a bit alarmed after dinner tonight when my stomach started rumbling painfully. After spending some time worshipping the Porcelain Goddess, I tactfully confronted my husband.

ME: Hey, uh, does your....stomach hurt?
HIM: After dinner, yes. It did. It's fine now though...Does yours?
ME: Yes!! Oh! Thank, God! I thought you were trying to poison me.
HIM: I thought you were trying to poison me! Well, that's a relief.

I have never been so happy to have eaten bad meat in my whole life. And, I'm thinking, perhaps a little less Who the (Bleep) Did I Marry? on ID.

Friday, May 3, 2013


Two years ago, we got a dog. (See "exhibit A")

Exhibit A: The final exam of obedience training.
It was Hell. For months, I asked every person I saw if they had a dog and when did it stop making them crazy.

I watched The Dog Whisperer obsessively. The dog would sit next to me on the couch watching the part of the show that shows badly behaved dogs and as soon as Cesar Milan came on the screen, he jumped off the couch looking for something less stressful to do.

He was only learning the bad stuff. Not the good. So, I dragged him and the kids to dog training ("exhibit A"). For two months, we played sit, down, come, heel. For two months, he behaved perfectly in class. Then, we'd come home and dash off on another seek and destroy mission.

The dog was (and still is) neurotic, afraid of water, afraid of the car, and believed that the kids are his herd. Not only that, but he needed to go out in the middle of the night so he could peruse the landscape and decide on an optimal location for his business. It was Hell. I swore I would NEVER.DO.IT.AGAIN.

At that time, I was single parenting for several years because my husband had been stationed overseas. While he was gone, the dog grew up and became tolerable, if not, down right lovable. My husband did not get to experience puppyhood in all its glory, but mostly got to see the somewhat improved final draft. So I knew I was in trouble one evening after he has moved here ahead of us when he texted me a photo of a sweet, little puppy....

Fortunately, I started working brutal hours a week after I moved here. Although we knew Exhibit A was lonely by himself all day, it was obvious that a second dog would not be a good idea. But in January, my substitute teaching job ended and my schedule was wiped clear, except for the endless laundry, school work, and parenting responsibilities, of course.

About a week later, our paths crossed with a jaunty little puppy who suckered us all into taking her home. (see "exhibit B")
Exhibit B: Shortly after her arrival. She looks as shocked as I was.
Life since has been the second dimension of Hell. We got a weimaraner because we'd read and heard that they were such smart dogs. Very family-oriented. Et cetera. Apparently, all the "literature" was written by weim breeders and WRONG because we have yet to see evidence of this intelligence. All we've seen is evidence of destruction (see "exhibits C and D").
Exhibit C: Couch (this is one of two effected cushions)

Exhibit D: Carpet
And lots of it. In fact, she is actually at the point now where you can see she knows there will be consequences for her malfeasance, but she just chooses to big-fat-do-it-anyway. She has determined that the consequences are not so bad after all. In fact, she LIKES the taste of bitter apple spray. She actually licks it off whatever you spray it on to make her stop licking it.

While I'm not exactly enjoying puppyhood, it is definitely my husband's turn to feel the pressure of an untrained and seemingly untrainable puppy. And the pressure is pretty bad. It is 24/7 psycho house here. Chewed up stuff everywhere. Dog smell. Roughhousing all the time. It is exhausting and smelly.

But, that's about to end! In ONE WEEK I'm bringing in the big guns. Dog-aggedon is coming! (It is even on the Mayan's calendar so it must be true!) In one week, the best dog trainer in town is coming to my house and life as Exhibit B knows it is about to end. We are going to kick some doggie butt and life will be good. She will sit, stay, come, refrain from jumping, barking, and soiling in the house AND, because I got a GROUPON, she should also be able to cook, clean, do dishes, do laundry, and help with homework as well!!! My life is about to get very good! I can't believe I didn't get a second dog sooner. Update soon!